Self, Lies And Marriage’,

“Marriage.

It’s probably the most dissected, overly analysed and probably ha, let’s just say the theories, experts etc are endless.

Even my views on it have evolved at different stages in my life; sometimes I look back and I’m surprised at the things I used to think I knew, and glad I didn’t hold those beliefs any longer.

It’s no news that the divorce rate has become alarmingly high in recent years, and it’s not only scared many singles but also put them off the whole institute itself.

But unlike many, I still do believe a good marriage is possible; by learning from others failures and struggles. 
So when I finally make that jump I’m more than determined to get it right.

And yes I know there are no guarantees in life , but lessons are there for us to take advantage and make our lives better than those whose mistakes created them in the first place. 

Because I really do believe that it’s possible to have that fairytale marriage we see in movies, after all, “no be man write am?” If we can think it, surely it should be possible right? lol.

But seriously why do people constantly try to make others feel it’s impossible because of the few bad examples out there; why do they say “marriage is no joke oh”, to newly weds like they’re about to start a never ending war of some sort.

Granted marriages, like any other relationship require work to sustain, but when two people love each other and are willing to put in the work it doesn’t have to be like a war scene out of ” Game of Thrones”

It’s why I’m very selective about the weddings I attend, because I’d rather join to celebrate the union of two people who’re really committed to doing this, than those we seem to just want a wedding just to add to their check list of achievements.

It’s no wonder some couples seem so gloomy on their wedding day, like they’re being sentenced to death.  

And don’t get me started on the advise the “experts” ( usually these are the veterans in the game) give to the newly weds.

For me that’s usually the worst part of the ceremony.

I sometimes wonder if the newly weds, excited and in love; feel their dreams for their future shattered because of the depressing advise they have to sit through, some from couples who’re not even happy themselves.

They make them feel like they’re giving your whole life up to embark on an eternal journey of unhappiness or at least that’s how they make it sound.
Be honest a lot of you have felt the same way sitting through some of these weddings, I’m just echoing your thoughts.
You can’t do this and that when you marry, you can’t dress like that, you can’t go there, you’re expect to behave in a certain way ; suddenly you have to become a new person, their definition of a “married woman/man”.

So wait a minute, I sign a piece of paper then suddenly everything I am, and have become over the years must automatically change according to people’s expectations.

I’m suddenly supposed to be less than who I used to be to fit into societies idea of how a married/man should look like?

If so, why are we doing it in the first place? Why give ourselves such a miserable life sentence?

Oh now I understand why people leave comments like “hurry up and marry”, or “someone should marry you” in my comments whenever they disapprove of the things I say.

Why should marriage, a beautiful union of two people be used as an insult or a means to suppress an individual.

It’s simply because it’s what it has become for many people unfortunately; a “right of passage” of some sort people have to go through even if it isn’t what they want. 

But it shouldn’t be something you do, just to  “belong“, I strongly believe that with the right person it can be one of the most beautiful experiences.
This is why I detest the phrase “settle down” when people decide to marry; it’s like giving up on your search because it’s all you’re going to get.

Why are you having to settle for anything? 

Why do you have to take copper instead of gold because there’s a supposed time limit on the search.

And thats the genesis of nearly all the failed marriages we have today. 

First of we need to understand and accept that marriage isn’t for everyone, and it’s ok.

You’re not diseased, cursed or abnormal.

You’re just “unmarried”. 

Your womanhood/ manhood doesn’t depend on it. 

But admitting that would certainly kill of business for prophets, juju men, wedding vendors and a host of people who profit from the weddings and care less about the marriage itself.

It’s like a doctor who becomes one merely because he is qualified and good at it; he’s only going to do what’s within his scope but won’t have the desire to try to solve an incurable disease, why because he’s just not that into it.

Get it?
Too many people who have no desire to spend the rest of their life with anyone  are being forced to because of the fear of being “left out” or deemed a societal misfit.

But you see each time someone marries the wrong person, it’s a ripple effect that runs through a whole bunch of people.

And that’s a long list of potentially happy homes you’ve messed up.
So do us all a favour and stay single, so those who’re really supposed to be paired up make it happen.
Thank you.
Now that’s out of the way, let’s talk about you the “experts” who’re so determined to ruin marriage for everyone because of your poor decisions.
You think we don’t know what’s really going on here?
Let’s see, you’re unhappy because you rushed into something you were totally unprepared for and with someone who probably wasn’t meant for you.

You’re depressed, trapped and dread the idea of going home sometimes.
Yep, we know it’s not because of traffic you sit at the bar everyday after work, and we know for sure its not because of the children or the fact that you don’t have a sex life.
The truth is, too many people are unhappy in their marriages and lives in general because they haven’t looked in the mirror and had an honest conversation with themselves.
How are you going to know who you’re compatible with or who’s right for you when you don’t even know who you are; and if you do, are not honest with yourself about it.
Now I’m no relationship expert, far from it, matter of fact I’m probably the last person you should take relationship advise from.

But one thing I know for sure is who I am and what I want and I’ll be damned if I change to fit into some ridiculous bubble.

I wasn’t always like this,believe me. I’ve been the pretentious “good girl” before( or society’s idea of what that means.)
I’ve done the, I hate the way his head looks or how he chews but I’ll suck it up because that’s not supposed to be a big deal ,girl.
I’ve been the, I want a lot of children because that’s what men like to hear a girl say, even though I probably only want one or two.
I’ve been the, he treats me poorly and abuses me emotionally and psychologically but I’m just glad to have a man so I won’t complain, girl.
I’ve been the I’m going to stay with him because “everyone” thinks he’s such a great catch, and have no real connection with him, but I’m sure I will see what the rest do eventually, girl.
Heck I’ve even been the I’ll pretend to like your sloppy kisses however grossed out they make me but I like you so I’ll over look it ,girl.
Yep,I’ve been all those girls until I found; lightbulb, MYSELF.
We mould ourselves to fit into whatever type of man or woman our partners want because thats what society ( and that’s half of you people reading this) expects us to do.

We’re so busy looking for partners we forget that what we should be looking for is happiness.
But how do you search for happiness when you don’t even know what it means to you. You’re stuck in a dead end job because it’s the career every one thought you should pursue.
Your whole identity has been built on what others think and expect that you have no true sense of self.
Everything we are, right down to our associations, and the way we dress is because of others and not us.
So many of us are not living our truths and are living lives that are in no way a reflection of who we truly are or strive to be.
And this pretentiousness is in all aspects of our lives.
So no wonder they’re so many people unhappy, and they carry their unhappiness into something called marriage to further make the world a depressing place for everyone around them,including the children they have.
Stop it.
And start owning who you are.
Admit to yourself that monogamy is probably not for you, and find someone who’s equally willing to be in a non – monogamous relationship with you. ( believe me there’s a whole line of crazy people aligned with your beliefs waiting.)

Admit that you’re a polygamist/ polyandrist; again you’ll be amazed at the people who’re more than welcoming to the idea.

Admit that you actually don’t want children, and the thought of having to take care of one not only frightens you but puts you off.

Better than having and abusing them like some many closeted abusers do.
Admit that you’re not a domestic person and can’t handle cooking for your partner let alone maintaining a whole household.
Admit that you want to marry a rich man/ woman because financial security means more to you than anything.

Trust me there are people who are out there looking for people willing to receive as much as they’re willing to give.
Admit that you want a housewife and not a career driven woman, who doesn’t need to depend on you.
Admit that you don’t want in-laws and hope they’re already gone by the time you come in, but if they’re around aren’t people too interested in you and your partner’a business ( yes it may be insensitive but it is what you inwardly desire but are too ashamed to admit)
If religion is important to you, admit it.
If looks are important, admit it.
Even with the sex admit that you like a little S&M ,bondage or have your salad tossed; than pretend to like vanilla sex with your “spouse”, but let the animalistic side out with the “side chic”. Tired of hearing mm say “oh I can’t do that with my wife oh”, like marriage men’s you can’t have “prom type sex with your wife”.

But we don’t admit any of this because we’re so hell bent on being the “ideal” married couple, even when the ideal isn’t working.
But there’s nothing like an ideal marriage, because there are different strokes for different folks; and if you’re unwilling to put in the WORK, with even the most perfect partner the relationship will go sour.

Also understand that what works for one couple won’t necessarily work for another.

With that being said, when you know yourself and what you want, then you can begin to make decisions like who you want to marry and the kind of relationship you want to have.
I know the kind of man I want down to how I want the kisses on my forehead.

And he may or may not be out there, but that’s only a part of my life and not the whole. So I won’t “settle” just to get in line.
By owning my truth, I’ve eliminated nearly all chances(there’s always an exception) of locking myself in a situation I can’t get out of.

I can immediately tell when it’s not going to work, and don’t have to stick around to see how it goes.
Now this isn’t the solution to all the failed marriages out there, like I said I’m no expert, but it most definitely eliminates a whole lot of potentially bad prospects and saves a lot of people the emotional trauma associated with it.
More than anything in this world, your sole purpose should be to find happiness and fulfillment.
Focus on that.