Moesha Boduong, the Ugly Truth and the Conversation we’ve all been too afraid to have.
This has been an extremely difficult piece to write; because there are so many layers to this conversation, so many people I want to give a voice to and others I don’t want to offend.
But try as I may there’s not enough room to cover all the topics surrounding this subject and I concluded afraid that once again I’d be misunderstood.
By now I’m sure many of you have watched the short clip of Moesha on why she chooses to date married men.
For many of you, your immediate reaction was that of anger and disgust at the things she had to say, which is understandable if it’s a lifestyle that you’re unfamiliar with.
But for others there were no surprises there, she just exposed an ugly truth that we’ve tried so hard to hide.
And of course the outrage was felt all through social media, especially from hardworking women who felt her comments tainted their hard work. To be fair I do believe she spoke her truth, and even though it did come off as a generalization I wasn’t moved to anger because I didn’t think her reality reflected mine.
It was also an opportunity for those who’ve always attributed a woman’s success to the men in her life to reaffirm this position; and once again people called out any woman whose success they believed wasn’t through hard work.
It became a battle of – the women who worked hard for their money, and those who depended on men for it. The irony however was that up until then, I’d never heard so many people as vocal about hardworking women in Ghana, even though they always existed. So many names of women, who many had accused in the past for doing the very thing Moesha does, were suddenly being praised and used as the example to emulate.
Truth is, what Moesha did was open up a can of worms and force us to eat its contents- for years we’ve tip toed around this topic because it’s an uncomfortable one, mostly for the men and women engaged in it; and her interview left many of them feeling exposed.
So now that the noise has come down, and we’re hopefully not in our feelings anymore, can we have an honest conversation about the realities Ghanaian women face?
And this reality isn’t limited to only Ghana, it’s something that happens in other parts of the world- which is why I can’t seem to get over the hypocritical snarl from Amanpour at some of the things Moesha had to say.
Websites like sugardaddy.com , meetrichsugardaddies.com, sugarbabes.com and a long list of match making services for older rich men and young attractive women have been in existence for years all over the world.
So I’d be a little surprised if Amanpour wanted us to believe she’d never heard of this type of arrangement.
In fact seekingarrangement.com has been featured on CNN. Read HERE
The only difference between the women in these situations is that , where as some do it to afford a luxurious lifestyle; there are some who do this more out of necessity rather than desire.
Because where there’s an imbalance in the social structure, there are bound to be those at the bottom of the food chain who get taken advantage of.
And those at a disadvantage aren’t limited by race,gender,age or even religion; there will always be an imbalance wherever one group has more power over the other due to how the society is structured.
Now in a developing country like Ghana, where poverty is prevalent, people have to work twice as hard to afford the basic necessities let alone luxuries, and with non-existent jobs and opportunities, people out of desperation turn to extremes to survive.
It’s why so many young men engage in internet fraud (419) and for many young girls, exchange sex for money because it seemingly requires very little effort and hustle.
And this is what I want us to have an open conversation about.
Lets not pretend that sex hasn’t gradually become a transaction currency used to purchase goods and services; because it has.
For many young girls who don’t have the luxury of a financially stable home and support, they’re forced to see this as a viable way to get ahead in life.
Even the few from good homes aren’t immune to this in work places and other areas of their lives either.
Now before I continue it’s important to note that this piece isn’t about the very sexually liberated women who willingly trade sex for favours, the women who choose to live this way to support a certain luxurious lifestyle or those who chose this because it’s “fun”.
This is about those who can’t share their stories because they do this more out of the feeling of necessity than want, those who feel trapped because it seems like the only way to survive; they’re the ones who I want to give a voice.
For many it’s a dark part of their life they’d rather pretend doesn’t exists, a part they wish hadn’t/doesn’t happen, the shame associated with succumbing to the pressure to exchange sex for money, secure a job and get a promotion is one only a few will admit.
Even for those who’ve never gone down this path, they’ve at some point toyed with the idea, struggled to say no and sometimes almost given in because at nearly every phase in their lives, what I call a “conditional advancement (“This is when conditions are put in place of hardwork for advancement of any kind, be it grades, jobs etc. )has been proposition to give them fast track to all their needs.
For these women, their conditions are often set by men; and for the hardworking woman unwilling to cave in to this pressures, it becomes unnecessarily harder to achieve their goals.
So for many of these women, the outrage over Moesha’s comments is because she’s wearing a part of their lives that they’re mostly ashamed of and pretend doesn’t exist, on her chest like a badge of honour.
Especially to the single mother who’s stuck in a relationship because she’s not financially independent and needs to feed her child, or the university graduate who slept with her boss for the job because he was the 10th person demanding that, and being drained from job searching, cash strapped and exhausted she just decide to give in, or even the woman who traded her body in exchange for basic necessities like food and clothes.
And this is why Oprah’s Golden Globe speech was so important when she highlighted the many women who’re silent about sexual harassment because they have mouths to feed.
But it’s not just a story affecting the entertainment industry. It’s one that transcends any culture, geography, race, religion, politics, or workplace. So I want tonight to express gratitude to all the women who have endured years of abuse and assault because they, like my mother, had children to feed and bills to pay and dreams to pursue. – Oprah’s Golden Globe Speech 2018
We can always argue that these women have always had a choice, no one put a gun to their head and they could have chosen the honest and hard path.
But realistically that choice comes with its own consequences and doesn’t guarantee anything – for instance, how many cases of sexual harassment go unpunished each year, how many lecturers on campuses get suspended, how many brilliant students are failed each year because they didn’t “give in” ?
The #metoo campaign in Hollywood exposed the real dangers women go through when they say NO.
Harvey Weinstein ,the top Hollywood executive accused of sexual harassment used his position to kill many careers, intimidate and manipulate so women that a majority just gave in because it was much easier to accept this as how things are than put up a fight. He had the money, power and influence to get away with this for many years.
So in Ghana, like it or not the system doesn’t necessarily favour women in this respect; and Joy FM’s expose on the subject revealed that many women, much like those in Hollywood struggle through this. Read HERE
And yes, there are women who’ve chosen the hard way and their efforts must be commended; but it doesn’t change the FACT that their road to success was met with these conditions at almost every turn.
It doesn’t change the FACT that turning down these propositions meant they had to work twice as hard to make it.
It doesn’t change the FACT that they had to face all manner of toxic work environments and abuse because of they refused.
It doesn’t change the FACT that this problem of conditional advancement exists.
It doesn’t change the FACT that some women don’t always have the strength, sense of security and worth, courage and believe in themselves to walk away from these propositions.
Moesha is what happens when we pretend that there isn’t a problem with equality, when we limit young girls to their “place in society”, when we avoid the topic of sex-for-job, when we don’t want to have the real conversations about what life’s like for a young woman in Ghana.
So this conversation isn’t black and white, they’re many grey areas and it’s not as simple as picking the hard or easy way.
For many women they try to navigate the murky waters, hoping to make it without compromising themselves but understanding that at every point a game has to be played to survive.
They understand that they’re sometimes going to have to play the dangerous game of being cordial to a man they don’t like, allow the casual flirting to keep his interest to get what they want and still manage not to compromise their integrity in the process.
It’s a tough and exhausting game, but many women feel trapped in it; because when the system puts them at the disadvantage, their hard work, qualifications etc don’t usually guarantee much.
So how about we’re outraged enough to want to make sure young girls don’t have to make these decisions, that young girls don’t accept this as a way of life, that women don’t have to be scared each time they sit down for a job interview or ask a man for a favour.
How about we work on creating a level playing field were a woman’s hardwork is enough to get her the keys to the door.
32 Comments
Quainoo Afful Joel
Nice piece there…
Kojo
Great piece….says it all. Our societies need to do more in created equal opportunities for all.
Mam
I enjoyed your point on women empowerment. I personally wish people would have have paid attention to what the lady painting the nails said. She basically said women are more or less servants to their partners. Which is a hard reality here in Ghana. From mine understanding of the interview, the woman was surprised that all Ghanaians girls have to sleep with married men to survive, that is why she immediately asked the lady painting Moesha’s nails to confirm if she’s also sleeping with a married man to survive. I don’t think the CNN lady is not aware of women who sleep with married men to survive, she’s just surprised it’s all young women in Ghana
Albert
There is no way the women will think all young women in Ghana sleep with married men to survive. she’s aware of the same situation in wherever she comes from and she knows that it is not everyone that is caught up in such a situation.
Rashidatu Abdul Basir
Great.. God bless you
Kyme Bevass
Thank you so very much Lydia. So well articulated and balanced.
Amoateng 32
Well said
Christy
Well said. It is always hard for people to accept the truth.The old rich men are to blame as well. It takes two to tango!
TrinaBaby
Wowwww you’re such a great writer Lydia. Sooo articulate with your words. Everything you said was Facts!!!! Hope you write and direct your own movie someday 😊 Love from NY.😘
Lydia Forson
Thank you. I’ve written movies as well. You just didn’t know I did. 😊
Awushie
Love this masterpiece. I was patiently waiting for your input on the interview. Well said . Bravo 👏
Dela
That’s the reality of it, you laid and address it from all angles. We face this throughout the world and it’s all about choices. Ghana was hit with the news cause she said it as it is, no sugar quoting. Besides it’s sex and love.
Admire you and your in-depth knowledge for writing.Much love form Virginia.
Rol
Lydia!!! I’ve always admired your objectivity. You literally stoke these words from my mouth. If only Ghanaians would stop this hypocrisy and address the issue just the way it is devoid of emotions, we’ll know it’s the truth. I hope the ministry see this and replies you. Great place ma’am
Elizabeth
Great message
Benny
Great piece. I admire your style of writing. Less ambiguity, more precise and concise. Well done Lydia.
Queen Ade
This was so apt.Thanks Lydia!!!You addressed this issues thoroughly.
AN
Nothing short of truth. The funny thing is that men do it as well but we choose to remain blind to theirs. I’m not justifying her but Moesha’s confession indeed is the case for many a girl. Granted that it’s wrong, it still happens.
Thank you Lydia!
Quophi Danchi
Facts.. Godbless u
Juvey
You make very strong points which are hard to sweep under the carpet. It’s a sad reality and it’s something needs to be done about it as you rightly suggested. I did a write-up on the interview scrutinizing both the context of the interview and discourse ( see link https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=2076385455709506&id=100000142168361) .
But upon reading your article and relating it to some of the things you have been associated with in the entertainment industry, for example, the exchange with Archbishop Duncan William on marriage and religion, which featured prominently on social media, I think you are best-placed to illuminate this discourse better and you have just done that in this article I think the whole interview was a bit sloppy and uncharacteristic of how Amanpour usually conducts her interviews. Thanks for your efforts. I also enjoy reading your writings.
Lydia Forson
Thanks for your comment; and you’re very right. I expected more from the interview because it was a rare opportunity to have a conversation on this very serious subject.
awurabena
Lydia thank you so much for this exposè. You couldn’t have said it any better.
Since this issue came up have sat countless times to write what you have written so many times but as a married woman I feared what would be said of me, of my marriage, family, inlaws reactions. So I spoke on phone with a friend almost daily about this issue.
She sent me a link to your article this morning and so I read, again and again!
There are sad stories lydia, women who have been desperate beyond measure that they even had to sleep with their close relatives who demand sex just to offer help. Yes all these happen in Ghana yet listen to the cacophony of voices drowning moesha out.
It’s a sad reality.
So I say thank you lyd, thanks for writing this HONEST to god article. Thank you for your boldness to always address the issues concerning women that the women in Ghana themselves don’t seem to see as a problem.
Lydia Forson
I’m glad to know I wasn’t the only one in my feelings about this;this piece has been the hardest to write because as a women whose like many others is constantly faced with these propositions, you understand on a level many can’t understand. What’s even more painful is that many of us have wanted to speak on this for so long and hearing the negativity from women who’ve suffer and continue to suffer through this was even more heartbreaking
Gabby Mack
I loved how you transitioned from one idea to the next. You said it all and I think people should read this piece. It was definitely a wake up call for many and the plain ugly truth about what really happens. Thank you for this, love from Kansas!
Richard Addo
Well said, it’s the hard truth few are bold to reveal
Rafiq Iddrisu
right note after right not. dissected like a pro Lydia! Great piece.
Lydia Forson
Rafiq! Thank you!
Gina
Very well said and will give people something to think about. There are definitely grey areas when it comes to this and I agree that we need to direct our outrage towards the injustices women in our society face
Maame Yaa Asuamah Gyedu-Pensang
I really like this piece. People who are into it criticized more than those who are really working hard. They only have a problem because of the platform she said that… we blacks mostly hate to face reality. I think we have to get a movement for that
Lawrence
Excellent write-up. That means the whole thing is bigger than we can imagine. I see the whole thing as a power play as you rightly acknowledged. Sex-for-job, equality, sex, now a transactional currency, sex for position, sexual harassment, unstable homes, imbalance of social structure, women-fun lovers, and even internet fraud. Amazing. How did you manage to put all these together so well? Sad to say that if this is how serious the whole thing is, I believe it is going to take us a while before we’re able to make a headway as a people in trying to resolve it. I say so because I see the imbalance in our social structure as the source of it all and once we are able to address that problem, we’d have reduced this canker to the bearest minimum, if not eliminated completely. Keep up the good work. You’ve opened my eyes to realities I’ve not been aware of all these while.
Dee
Taking two years rent advance will create more Moeshas. Maybe that minister lady should rather focus on fighting for rent policies on monthly basis because no one gets paid two years advance.
Chris
Great write up and I agree with u to an extent. My worry is, Lydia, isn’t it the case that women themselves think its only from men that they can get help? Isn’t it the case that women themselves think they have something to offer in exchange for their wants?
I know some ladies who say they are beautiful and as a result if the going is tough, they know what to readily offer.
I just want to say that the situation remain so because women have already made up their minds.
People are outraged because Moesha did not acknowledge those who didn’t compromise on what she has compromised on.
When u talk about men in leadership killing careers of women, its a fact but have u also thought of men in similar situation?
Its just like saying that its only men who abuses women and women don’t.
oyooquartey
Very well written Lydia. The facts are unavoidable but silently being swept over as though non-existent. The brave women who dare to speak out against inequality and harassment are judged and crucified leading to others being fearful of speaking out. It takes courage to speak out and I hope more women will do just that.